Weekend Update: Tina Fey on Protesting After Charlottesville – SNL
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Weekend Update: Tina Fey on Protesting After Charlottesville – SNL


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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>EXPERTS ARE SAYING IT’S
POSSIBLE FOR WOMEN TO HAVE SO-CALLED SUPERORGASMS WITH YOGA
AND PRETENDING.>>>THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK CITY,
A 98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GOT MARRIED TO A 94-YEAR-OLD MAN.
THEY ARE REGISTERED AT BED BATH AND THE GREAT BEYOND.
>>>HERE GIVING A PERSONAL TAKE ON THE WEEKEND’S EVENTS OF
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA IS TINA FE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, COLIN AND CHE.
I JUST WANT TO SAY I ALWAYS COME OUT ON COLIN’S SIDE BECAUSE IT’S
THE BETTER HALF OF MY FACE. IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR ON
THAT.>>NOT BUYING IT.
>>YOU GRADUATED FROM UVA IN 1992.
>>YES, COLIN. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL.
I HAVE NOTHING BUT FOND MEMORIES OF MY TIME THERE.
I GRADUATED A VIRGIN AND I STILL LIKE IT.
THAT’S HOW GOOD THE ARCHITECTURE IS DOWN THERE.
IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE THESE EVIL FORCES DESCEND ON VIRGINIA.
OUR PRESIDENT, DONALD JOHN TRUMP, WHAT A STUPID NAME THAT
IS. DONNY JOHN COMES OUT AND HE SAYS
THAT HE CONDEMNS VIOLENCE ON MANY SIDES, ON MANY SIDES,
COLIN. I’M FEELING SICK BECAUSE, YOU
KNOW, I HAVE SEEN RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK AND I WASN’T CONFUSED
BY IT. NO, COLIN, NAZI’S ARE ALWAYS
BAD, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.>>I DON’T SAY —
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THEN WE HEAR THERE’S NINE
MORE ALT-RIGHT RALLIES SATURDAY INCLUDING ONE IN NEW YORK CITY
IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK. PART OF ME HOPES THEY GET IT IN
NEW YORK CITY AND GET KICKED BY A BUNCH OF DRAG QUEENS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>YOU KNOW WHAT A DRAG QUEEN
STILL IS? A 6’4″ BLACK MAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, I
DON’T WANT ANYMORE GOOD PEOPLE TO GET HURT.
I KNOW A LOT OF US ARE FEELING ANXIOUS AND ASKING OURSELVES
WHAT CAN I DO? I’M JUST ONE PERSON, WHAT CAN I
DO? I WOULD URGE PEOPLE SATURDAY,
INSTEAD OF PARTICIPATING IN THE SCREAMING MATCHES AND VIOLENCE,
FIND A LOCAL BUSINESS YOU SUPPORT, MAYBE A JEWISH RUN
BAKERY OR AFRICAN-AMERICAN RUN BAKERY.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>ORDER A CAKE WITH THE
AMERICAN FLAG ON IT. LIKE THIS ONE.
AND, JUST EAT IT, COLIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>I’M SORRY, HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP?
[ INAUDIBLE ]>>SORRY, WHAT?
>>THE NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SEE A BUNCH OF WHITE BOYS IN POLO
SHIRTS SCREAMING ABOUT TAKING A PUNCH WHEN YOU WANT TO SCREAM,
IT’S NOT OUR COUNTRY, WE STOLE IT.
WE STOLE FROM THE NATIVE AMERICANS.
WHEN THEY HAVE A PEACEFUL PROTEST AT STANDING ROCK WE
SHOOT AT THEM WITH RUBBER BULLETS, WE LET YOU MARCH THE
STREETS WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>WHEN YOU WANT TO YELL, DON’T
YELL AT THE KLAN, YELL INTO THE CAKE.
[ SCREAMING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THEN, WHEN THEY CRAWL OUT, REPUBLICANS IN BERKELEY, YOU ARE
LIKE OKAY, BARBIE. BUT THE OTHER SIDE IS NAZI’S AND
KLANSMEN. WHO DROVE THE CAR INTO THE
CROWD, HILLARY’S E-MAILS? [ APPLAUSE ]
>>WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE ALREADY CANCELED SOME OF THE
RALLIES.>>SEE, IT’S WORKING ALREADY.
SHEET CAKING IS A GRASS ROOTS MOVEMENT, COLIN.
MOST OF THE WOMEN I KNOW HAVE BEEN DOING IT ONCE A WEEK SINCE
THE ELECTION. [ APPLAUSE ]
DON’T WORRY, GUYS. SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN
CHARLOTTESVILLE WEREN’T KLANSMEN, THEY WERE INDEPENDENT
MILITIAS. THERE’S 250 WELL ARMED MILITIA’S
ACROSS THE U.S. READY MOBILIZE AT ANYTIME?
YEAH. GUESS WHAT, THEY ARE NOT COPS.
NO. THEY ARE NOT COPS, THEY ARE
MILITIAS AND THEY TRAIN THEMSELVES.
>>GIVE ME SOME OF THAT dAMN CAKE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>I SAY, YOU KNOW, WHERE IS
PAUL RYAN IN ALL THIS? HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL,
YOUNG CONGRESSMAN, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO AX SOMEBODY ON
TWITTER? RACISM IS [email protected] TRUMP.
THEN — THEN, DONNY JOHN SAYS WE NEED TO DEFEND OUR BEAUTIFUL,
CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS WHEN HE WOULD TAKE THEM DOWN IN A SECOND
IF HE COULD BUILD A BUNCH OF CONDOS ON THE SPOT.
GOOGLE TRUMP TELLER AND YOUR FAMILY SAYS MOM, YOU NEED TO
CALM DOWN. YOU FEEL POWER.
THAT IS WHEN YOU NEED TO DIP A GRILLED CHEESE INTO THE CAKE.
[ APPLAUSE ]>>ARE YOU GOING TO STAY UNTIL
THE WHOLE CAKE IS GONE?>>IN CONCLUSION, I REALLY WANT
TO SAY, TO ENCOURAGE ALL GOOD, SANE AMERICANS TO TREAT THESE
RALLIES THIS WEEKEND LIKE THE OPENING OF A THOUGHTFUL MOVIE
WITH TWO FEMALE LEADS. DON’T SHOW UP.
SCREAM INTO THE EMPTY AIR. I LOVE YOU CHARLOTTESVILLE.
AS THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID, WHO IS THAT HOT GIRL OVER THE BUTTER
CHURN?>>TINA FEY, EVERYONE.>>WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
“WEEKEND UPDATE SUMMER EDITION” AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.

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