Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria – SNL
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Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria – SNL


>>Announcer: IT’S “WEEKENDUPDATE,” WITH COLIN JOST, ANDMICHAEL CHE.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,EVERYONE.>>WELCOME TO “WEEKEND UPDATE”I’M MICHAEL CHE.>>AND I’M COLIN JOST.Well after PresidentTrump was criticized for aterrible response to HurricaneMaria.This morning he finally gavethe people of Puerto Rico whatthey needed most.A bunch of tweets straight upcalling them lazy.>>>TRUMP SAYS THE PEOPLE OFPUERTO RICO, QUOTE, WANTEVERYTHING TO BE DONE FOR THEM”.THEN HE TOLD HIS CADDY TO REPAIRHIS DIFFICULTY AND DRIVE HIM TOTHE NEXT HOLE.TRUMP ALWAYS SAID HE WAS GOINGTO GET THINGS DONE FASTER THANANY OTHER PRESIDENT.NOW I BELIEVE HIM.IT TOOK GEORGE W. BUSH TO GETHIS KATRINA.MEANWHILE, RAPPER PITBULL HASLOANED OUT HIS PRIVATE JET TOHELP RESCUE PEOPLE IN PUERTORICO.WOW, IF ONLY DONALD TRUMP KNEWSOMEONE WITH A PRIVATE JET.[ LAUGHTER ]HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THEUNITED STATES WORSE ATHUMANITARIAN AID THAN PITBULL.AND YOU KNOW PITBULL IS DOING ITWHILE ALSO FEATURING ON FOURDIFFERENT TRACKS AND HOSTINGFOAM PARTIES FOR BUD LIGHT.TRUMP IS BUSY DOING THE REALWORK, MAKING EXCUSES WHILE HALFEXPLAINING WHAT AN ISLAND IS.JUST WATCH.>>THIS IS AN ISLAND, SURROUNDEDBY WATER, BIG WATER, OCEANWATER.>>WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?THIS ISN’T A TREACHEROUSJOURNEY.IT’S PUERTO RICO.NOT SKULL ISLAND.CRUISE SHIPS FULL OF RETIREDAUNTS GO THERE EVERY DAY.I THINK TRUMP IS WORKING OF ONEOF THOSE OLD SAILOR MAPS WITHSEA MONSTERS ON IT.>>AFTER THE MAYOR OF SAN JUANCRITICIZED THE GOVERNMENT’SPUERTO RICAN RELIEF EFFORTSPRESIDENT TRUMP ATTACKED HER ONTWITTER SAYING, “THE MAYOR OFSAN JUAN WHO WAS VERYCOMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYSAGO.HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY THEDEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTYTO TRUMP.”OH, REALLY, DONALD?YOU BITCH.WAS SHE NASTY TO YOU?HOW NASTY?ARE YOU SHAKING?DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE A VIRGINIASLIM UNTIL YOUR HAND STOPSMOVING?THIS ISN’T A COMPLICATED ISSUE,MAN, IT’S HURRICANE RELIEF.YOU JUST DID THIS VERY SAMETHING FOR WHITE PEOPLE, TWICE.SO, TELL MELANIA TO PUT ON HERFLOOD HEELS.GET YOU SOME BOTTLED WATER, SOMEFOOD, SOME ATLANTA FALCONS SUPERBOWL T-SHIRTS, WRITE A CHECK AND— WITH OUR MONEY, YOU CHEAPCRACKER.IN ONE MONTH YOU HAVE MISHANDLEDPUERTO RICO, DACA, THE NFL.IT’S LIKE WHEN ANYBODY DARKERTHAN YOUR GOLF PANTS HAS APROBLEM YOU ARE THINKING HOW CANI MAKE THIS WORSE.HEALTH AND SERVICES SECRETARYTOM PRICE WAS CAUGHT USINGALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS INTAXPAYER MONEY TO FRIDAY ONPRIVATE JETS.THAT’S COOL YOU RESIGNED, BUTHOW ABOUT YOU PAY BACK THEMONEY?YOU CAN’T WALK INTO A STORE ANDDO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OFDAMAGE AND THEN BE LIKE I GETIT, I’LL LEAVE.MAN, WE WANT YOU TO PAY.YOU CAN MAKE THAT MILLION BACKWHEN YOU PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIR,ALL THE PLACES YOU’LL GO ON AGOVERNMENT FUNDED PRIVATE JET.>>>THIS WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMPCONTINUED HIS CRITICISM OF NFLPLAYERS WHO TOOK A KNEE DURINGTHE NATIONAL ANTHEM.HE FIGURED CNN MSNBC ALREADYHATE ME, HOW CAN I GET ESPN TOHAID MADE ME, TOO.BECAUSE TRUMP NEEDS EVERYNETWORK TALKING ABOUT HIM, NEXTHE IS GOING TO TWEET ATNICKELODEON THAT THEY NEED TOSHOW US DORA’S PAPERS.>>THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBASAID THAT HE EXPECTED PLAYERS TOFOLLOW LEAGUE RULES AND STANDDURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.THE NBA IS WHAT, 130, 140%BLACK?WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DOIF THEY ALL DECIDE TO KNEEL?HAVE THE NEW YORK PORZINGIS PLAYTHE SAN ANTONIO GINOBILI?AND, HOW DID THIS GUY GET TO BETHE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBAANYWAY?HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT ASUIT ON A SEX TOY.IT’S HARD TO ASK BLACK PLAYERSTO RESPECT THE FLAG WHEN THEYKNOW THIS COUNTRY CARES MOREABOUT IT THAN US.OKAY?WE LOVE THE FLAG, IT’S JUST THATWHITE GUYS REALLY LOVE THE FLAG.I MEAN, IT’S ONE THING TO LIKEI BET IF YOU ASK A BLACK PERSON,DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?HE’S LIKE, WHOA I LOVE BROOKLYN,I AM RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THEDAKOTAS.>>ANGELA MERKEL WAS REELECTEDAS CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR AFOURTH TERM AND IS NOW THELONGEST SERVING LEADER INEUROPE.HERE TO COMMENT IS GERMANCHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>OH, YEAH, I AM THE WINNER,YAY!YAY!>>WAIT, WAIT, ARE YOU HAPPYTHAT YOU WON?>>YES.OF COURSE I’M HAPPY.IS THAT NOT COMING ACROSS?I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SMILE.YAY!>>IT LOOKS A LITTLE TORTURED.>>OKAY.WELL, TO BE HONEST, COLIN PARTOF ME WAS HOPING TO RETIRE EVENTHOUGH THE AVERAGE RETIREMENTAGE IN GERMANY IS 87, AT WHICHPOINT YOU TRANSITION INTO MANUALLABOR.ALSO, MY VICTORY WAS BITTERSWEET BECAUSE THE FAR, FAR RIGHTPARTY WON SEATS IN OURPARLIAMENT FOR THE FIRST TIMESINCE THE — YOU KNOW.>>WHAT WAS THAT?>>YOU KNOW, THE —>>THE NAZIS.GOT YOU, YEAH.YEAH, I GOT TO SAY YOU SEEMSTRESSED OUT CHANCELLOR.>>OH, THANK YOU.>>NO, I MEAN I’M WORRIED ABOUTYOU, I’M WORRIED THAT YOU AREDEALING WITH A LOT.>>YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.IT’S LIKE EVERYONE IN EUROPE ISHAVING A ROWDY SLUMBER PARTY ANDI’M THE MEAN MOM WHO HAS TO SENDTHEM TO BED WITHOUT THEIRRADISHES.>>DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLIES LEFT>>NO ALLIES.MOSTLY ACTORS THESE DAYS.EXCEPT OH, FOR THAT FRENCH HUNKMACRON, OOH-LA-LA.GET ME SOME DIAPHRAGMS.I THINK OF THIS GUY I’M LIKE,OBAMA WHO?BARACK IS IT WORKING?AM I MAKING YOU JEALOUS?LEAVE MICHELE.>>OH NO, YOU’RE STILL THAT HUNGUP ON OBAMA, HUH?>>I KNOW I MUST ACCEPT THATIT’S OVER AND MOVE ON.SO, I DECIDED TO GET RID OFEVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE THATREMINDS ME OF HIM.THIS LOVE LETTER I WROTE HIM BUTNEVER SENT.TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, IRESPECT YOU, TEPID REGARDS,MERKEL.A MIX CD I MADE YOU BUT WAS TOOSHY TO GIVE.IT’S A MIX OF ALL THE SONGS BYCREED.A PICTURE OF US AT THE G20SUMMIT.I WAS COLD AND YOU LET ME BORROWYOUR JACKET.TURNS OUT WE WERE WEARING THESAME SUIT.I HAD TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM ONSOCIAL MEDIA SO I WOULDN’T BETEMPTED THE SLIDE INTO HIS DMs.ONE NIGHT I HAD ONE TOO MANYSHOTS, ONE.AND I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MYBARE KNEE.HE WROTE BACK, IS THAT A PEELEDPOTATO?[ LAUGHTER ]>>WOW.IT REALLY MUST BE HARD TO GOFROM OBAMA TO TRUMP.AND I ALSO HEARD THAT TRUMPWAITED FOUR DAYS BEFORE HECALLED YOU TO SAY CONGRATS.>>FOUR DAYS.FOUR DAYS, HE WAITS.WHICH IN GERMANY IS LIKE20 BUSINESS DAYS.FINALLY I SENT HIM A TINYE-MAIL, I WAS LIKE ARE YOU GOINGSAY ANYTHING?AND HE WAS LIKE OH, SORRY, JUSTSAW THIS, DIDN’T HAVE MY PHONE.AND I WAS LIKE, THAT FEELINGWHEN HE DOESN’T TEXT YOU BACK,BUT YOU SEE HIM TWEETING.>>I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOMETIME AFTER YOUR VICTORY TORELAX.HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THECORNER.>>>ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY SFOOUMWILL BE.I WILL BE GOING A SLUTTY ANGELAMERKEL.THAT’S ME, BUT WITH A HAT.

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