Weekend Update at the RNC
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Weekend Update at the RNC


>>”WEEKEND UPDATE” WITH COLIN
JONES AND MICHAEL CHE. [ APPLAUSE ]
>>WELCOME TO “WEEKEND UPDATE” ON MSNBC!
I’M MICHAEL CHE.>>AND I’M COLIN JONES, LIVE IN
CLEVELAND FOR THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION.
>>OR AS I’VE BEEN CALLING IT, WHITE RIO.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A GARY IT, WHITE RIO.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A GARY BUSEY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
>>WE’RE RIGHT NEXT TO THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME, WHERE
YOU’LL FIND ALL THE LEGENDARY ARTISTS WHO WON’T LET
REPUBLICANS USE THEIR MUSIC. MIKE PENCE STILL FINISHED
SPEAKING AND YOU STILL FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE ROOM, STATIC
ELECTRICITY, CREATED BY ALL THE SHOES SOFTLY SHUFFLING TOWARD
THE EXIT. WHAT WAS YOUR TAKEAWAY SO FAR
FOR THE CONVENTION?>>BOY, DID THEY BRING OUT THE
HEAVY HITTERS, SCOTT BAYO, THE DUCK DINE AS — DYNASTY DUDES.
NO WONDER TRUMP ISN’T GETTING ANY MONEY.
LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS.>>TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS THE BEST
AND THE BRIGHTEST. I HONESTLY WORRY THAT TRUMP
THINKS BAYO AND SOBATO ARE SPANISH FOR BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
>>BACK IN THE OTHER DIRECTION YOU STILL HAD A TV SHOW AND IN
THIS DIRECTION YOU OWE ME $15 SCOTT BAYO.
>>I THOUGHT TRUMP’S WHOLE POINT IS HE WAS TRYING TO DEPORT
PEOPLE NAMED CHOCHY.>>HE PICKS THE CELEBRITIES TO
VOUCH FOR HIM AS SCOTT BAYO AND TONY SABOTO JR.
IF THIS WERE “THE APPRENTICE”, HE WOULD HAVE FIRED HIMSELF.
>>LET’S CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT FROM FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY
GIULIANI.>>THERE IS JUST AMERICA!
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?>>NOTHING UNITES PEOPLE LIKE
SCREAMING AT HIM. IT SOUNDED LIKE HIS CABLE WENT
OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF “PRICE IS RIGHT.”
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT!>>AT LEAST HE WAS ABLE TO
SHOWCASE SOME OF HIS SIGNATURE MOVES.
>>THIS IS A MAN WITH A BIG HEART WHO LOVES ALL PEOPLE, FROM
THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM, FROM THE MIDDLE, TO THE SIDE!
>>HE ONLY GOT ONE OUT OF FOUR DIRECTIONS RIGHT.
HE MIGHT BE GREAT ON SECURITY BUT HE IS TERRIBLE AT THE
MACARENA.>>THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
LET THE YING-YANG TWINS.>>YING-YANG TWINS IS WHAT
DONALD TRUMP CALLS THE LEADERS OF NORTH KOREA.
>>AND THEN THERE’S CHRIS CHRISTIE.
>>WHAT’S YOUR VERDICT, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?
>>WHO BETTER TO GIVE A ELECTION ON CORRUPTION THAN THE GOVERNOR
OF NEW JERSEY.>>HE JUST YELLS, YOU THINK
SHE’S GUILTY? EVERYONE WAS LIKE, YEAH, TAKE
HER AWAY! CHRISTIE PLAGIARIZED PART OF HIS
SPEECH FROM THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE WEEK WAS MELANIA’S
TRUMP ON MONDAY, SHE REALLY KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK
BEFORE A STRONG WIND BLEW IT BACK IN FOR AN EASY OUT.
>>THAT’S RIGHT. SHE WAS ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING
MICHELLE OBAMA’S SPEECH.>>AND DR. CARSON TRIED TO LINK
HILLARY CLINTON TO LUCIFER AND LUCIFER WAS IN HELL LIKE, WAIT,
WHOA. HILLARY CLINTON?
NEVER MET HER. I KNOW A BILL CLINTON.
NEVER MENTIONED HE HAD A WIFE. TED CRUZ WAS BOO’d OFF STAGE
AFTER REFUSING TO ENDORSE TRUMP AND SAYING VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE.
THAT’S WHERE WE’RE AT NOW. PEOPLE ARE BOOING THE IDEA OF
LISTENING TO YOUR CONSCIENCE. IT’S LIKE A JIMMINY CONTRIBUTE
SHOWED UP, LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE AND EVERYONE WAS
LIKE, A CRICKET, KILL IT!>>GET OVER IT, DUDE.
SHE’S MARRYING THE RICH GUY, MAN.
SIGN UP FOR SOUL CYCLE CLASS, LOSE YOU’LL THAT WEIGHT YOU’VE
BEEN PUTTING ON. SEW A $100 BILL IN YOUR DRAWERS.
>>WHAT?>>LOOK IN THE MOVIES.
>>WHAT MOVIE IS THAT FROM?>>PORN.
ALL THE PORNS.>>WE HAVEN’T JUST BEEN COVERING
POLITICS. WE’VE BEEN HAVING FUN.
YOU WERE OUT THERE HAVING FUN WITH A NEW APP.
>>I’M OBSESSED WITH IT. TAKE A LOOK.
TAKE A LOOK.>>I’M ON THE FLOOR OF THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION PLAYING AMERICA’S HOTTEST NEW
MOBILE APP WHERE YOU HAVE TO CATCH THE RAREST CREATURE OF
THEM ALL, MINORITIES AT THE RNC. SO AS TRUMP WOULD SAY, LET’S
ROUND UP SOME BROWN PEOPLE.>>CATCH ‘EM UP, GET ‘EM OUT OF
HERE.>>MAN, THERE’S NO BLACK PEOPLE
HERE? OH, DAMN, MY BAD.
GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL. YOU SEE ANY RARE MINORITIES
AROUND?>>UM —
>>NOT OBVIOUS. I CAUGHT A COUPLE BLACK ONES.
>>I’VE SEEN SOME I GUESS HAWAIIANS.
>>DID YOU SEE ANY RARE MINORITIES?
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KEEP THEIR TRUMPY MINDS TO THEMSELVES.
BUT I’M GOING TO CATCH ‘EM. THIS AMISH DUDE ISN’T A
MINORITY? OH, I FOUND A COWBRO.
>>DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?>>YES, YOU’RE JAY PHARAOH.
>>TRUMPY-MON.>>I WAS TRYING TO FIND TIFFANY
TRUMP ON TINDER. TRUMP ON TINDER.
>>YOU ARE SO WEIRD.>>LAST YEAR IN A BREAK WITH
TRADITIONAL DECORUM, JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
HERE TO COMMENT, WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST, RUTH BADER
GINSBURG.>>RNC REPRESENTS!
LET ME AT ‘EM, LET ME AT ‘EM.>>YOU’RE COMING OUT STRONG.
>>TRUMP PBD A FIGHT WITH THE WRONG 215 POUND MARIONETTE BABY.
>>YOU’RE DOING ACROSS FIT?>>THAT’S WHEN I CROSS MY ARMS
AND LEGS AND TRY TO FIT INSIDE A SOUP CAN.
>>TRUMP TWEETED OUT THAT YOUR MIND IS SHOT.
>>OH, PLEASE. THAT’S LIKE THE POT CALLING THE
KETTLE BLACK. AND I SHOULD KNOW, I LIVE INSIDE
A KETTLE.>>LIKE TINKER BELL?
>>YEAH, IT’S HER PLACE. SHE’S AIR BNBING IT WHILE SHE
LOOKS FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD IN INDIANA.
>>OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVE LIKE ANT MAN STRENGTH.
>>YEAH. I MEAN, LOOK, LOOK, IF MY MIND
IS SHOT, THAN DONALD TRUMP’S MIND IS SHOT, STABBED,
STRANGLED, PUT IN A VAT OF WET CEMENT AND DONALD TRUMPED IN THE
CANAL. HIS MIND IS SLEEPING WITH THE
FISHES BUT IT’S WAKING UP TO A GINSBURG.
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
>>I DID.>>BUT DID YOU COME FORWARD
AFTERWARD AND ADMITTED THAT MAYBE YOU WENT TOO FAR.
>>OF COURSE I WENT TOO FAR. I HAVE NO SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE.
I’M LIKE A FLEA. I CAN JUMP 40 TIMES MY OWN
FIGHT. PLUS YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET
RID OF ME. I RODE HERE ON A DOG, COLIN —
>>YOU RODE HERE ON A DOG?>>YEAH, ITS NAME WAS MIKE PENCE
AND HE JUST GOT GINSBURNED. I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME HAVE
I LEFT. I HAVE TO GET MY POKES IN WHILE
I CAN.>>ABOVE THE DESK, JUSTICE.
YOU GUYS ARE STILL ONE JUSTICE DOWN.
THERE’S SPECULATION AFTER CHRIS CHRISTIE’S SPEECH, SOME ARE
SAYING TRUMP MIGHT APPOINT HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT.
>>CHRIS CHRISTIE ON THE SUPREME COURT?
PLEASE, I’D RATHER HAVE AN EMPTY CHAIR THAN A BROKEN CHAIR.
AND THAT’S A BEGINBURN.>>NO DANCE, I’M TIRED.
>>ORGANIZATION, YOU’RE TIRED. I GET IT.
CONSERVE ENERGY. WHAT ABOUT MERRICK GARLAND.
>>OOH, YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY. MERRICK GARLAND IS LIKE A
SUPREME COURT WITH ONLY EIGHT JUDGES, HUNG.
AND THAT’S A SEXY SLOW BURN.>>JUSTICE, BURN ME, BURN ME.
>>I DON’T HAVE TIME, DON LEMON.>>JOIN US NEXT WEEK AT THE
DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.>>THANKS VERY MUCH.

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