The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: Mom Hunts Down Her Stolen Car
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The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: Mom Hunts Down Her Stolen Car


-A Kansas City mom’s car
was stolen
at a gas station recently,
so she tracked the thief down
and stole it back,
which brings us
to a segment called
“The kind of story
we need right now.”
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is Danielle Reno.
A couple weeks ago
she pulled into a gas station,
got out of her car,
and when she did,
someone else jumped in it
and drove away.
So she did what
any normal person would do.
She filed a police report,
and then in a move that can
only be described as abnormal,
she hunted the car down herself.
Danielle’s cellphone and wallet
were still in the car,
so she started tracking
the thief’s location
on the phone’s GPS
and cross-referencing that
with charges the thief was
making on her credit card.
This is the kind of story
we need right now.
While the rest of the U.S. —
well, the rest of us, excuse me,
are watching the news every day
feeling helpless,
this woman watched “Taken”
and was like, “I can do that.”
[ Laughter ]
“But for my car.”
[ Applause ]
So what happened next?
Danielle showed up
at each of the stores
where the thief
had used her credit card,
talked to employees,
and looked for clues.
To be clear, this woman
has no previous law enforcement
experience.
She’s just a mom trying to get
to the bottom of a crime.
And if you’ve ever come home
after curfew smelling like weed,
you know moms solve crimes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It’s too bad.
It is too bad
she is not a detective
because Danielle Reno is
a kickass detective name.
Danielle Reno sounds like the
main character on a show on TNT.
[ Laughter ]
So finally, after two days
of intense Mariska Hargitay
role playing,
Danielle had a break
in the case.
She showed up
to a different gas station
where the thief had recently
used her card
and learned that he had
just missed them.
But one of the gas station
attendants had overheard
the thief making plans
to have lunch at Applebee’s
because even criminals in your
neighborhood like to eat good.
[ Laughter ]
Also I guess the lesson here is
if you’re doing something shady
at a gas station, whisper,
because it turns out
the gas station attendants
are listening to you.
[ Laughter ]
So Danielle
was off to Applebee’s.
But because this story
takes place in America,
her hometown has
multiple Applebee’s.
[ Laughter ]
So she and her friends split up
and each went to
a different location to wait.
This is the kind of story
we need right now.
Nothing this cool ever
happens at Applebee’s.
[ Laughter ]
Only two things
ever happen there —
co-workers’ birthdays
and custody hand-offs.
[ Laughter ]
Also, how cool is it to be
friends with Danielle Reno?
Most moms call you
and invite you to book club.
Danielle’s like,
“Are you free for a stakeout?”
[ Laughter ]
So Danielle’s chilling
in a booth, lying in wait,
probably sipping on
something like this
when the thief walks in.
Danielle walks out,
finds her car in the parking lot
and drives away because you know
Mom has a spare key.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then she called the police,
but not before live-streaming
her victory on Facebook.
-Oh, my God.
So, before I call the cops,
I wanted to show you guys
what I just found
by doing our own stalking.
And I am going to pull into
this parking lot and call 911.
And she’s about to get
her ass arrested
because we [bleep] found her.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, I know. I know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You’re not supposed to use
the phone while you’re driving.
But I think
we can make an exception
when the driver is
actively solving a crime.
[ Laughter ]
“Ma’am, you want to tell me
what you’re doing
driving while on your phone?”
“Yeah. Your job.”
[ Laughter ]
Danielle called the cops.
They arrested the thief
and she got her car back.
Plus, her show got greenlit
for season two.
[ Laughter ]
These days, the world is full of
people committing crimes
and getting away with it.
So, thank you, Danielle Reno,
for catching
at least one of them
because this is the kind of
story we need right now.
[ Cheers and applause ]

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