Robotic Cats, “Pooptime Robot Pal” Among The Hot New Gadgets At C.E.S. 2020
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Robotic Cats, “Pooptime Robot Pal” Among The Hot New Gadgets At C.E.S. 2020


( LAUGHTER )
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I’M A REAL TECH-HEAD. I’M ON TOP OF ALL THE LATEST
CYBER TRENDS. SEE THIS? I USE THIS TO CHECK MY EMAIL,
READ THE NEWS, AND FIND OUT WHAT MY HEART RATE IS AFTER
READING THE NEWS. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE ALL GADGET HEADS, I’M PUMPED FOR 2020’S CONSUMER
ELECTRONICS SHOW, OR C.E.S. OVER THE YEARS, MANY HIGH-TECH
INNOVATIONS HAVE BEEN UNVEILED THERE, SUCH AS THE PLASMA TV,
THE BLU-RAY PLAYER, AND BACK IN THE LATE 70S, THE ATARI. AND AT THE FIRST C.E.S., FIRE. ( LAUGHTER )
A BIG SELLER. A BIG SELLER. THIS YEAR, ONE OF THE MOST
TALKED-ABOUT PRODUCTS AT C.E.S. IS A ROBOTIC PET CAT CALLED
MARSCAT, WHICH CAN RECOGNIZE HUMAN FACES AND KNOWS 20
COMMANDS AND PHRASES, INCLUDING “SIT” AND “COME HERE.” ( LAUGHTER )
JUST LIKE A CAT– IF IT WAS NOTHING LIKE A CAT. WHO’S BEHIND THIS ROBOTIC
FELINE? NONE OTHER THAN A STARTUP CALLED
ELEPHANT ROBOTICS. “OKAY, GUYS. OKAY, LET’S BRAINSTORM HERE. OKAY. OKAY. OUR COMPANY IS CALLED ELEPHANT
ROBOTICS. WHAT KIND OF ROBO-ANIMAL SHOULD
WE BUILD? MONKEY? NO. PUPPIES? STUPID. WAIT, IT’S SO OBVIOUS! IT’S THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! CATS!”
( LAUGHTER ) NOW — THAT WAS A LONG WALK TO
THAT JOKE. A REALLY LONG WALK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WE GOT THERE, AND THERE WAS WATER IN THE WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
IF THE IDEA OF PACKS OF ROBOTIC CATS KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT,
DON’T WORRY, C.E.S. HAS YOU COVERED. THERE’S A NEW HIGH-TECH SLEEP
AID CALLED THE URGONIGHT HEADBAND, WHICH COSTS $500
AND USES NEUROFEEDBACK THERAPY TO MEASURE YOUR E.E.G. AND TEACH
YOU HOW TO CONTROL THE BRAIN WAVES THAT IMPACT SLEEP. SADLY, STILL NO ADVANCEMENTS ON
HOW TO CONTROL THE BRAINWAVES THAT IMPACT YOUR DECISION TO
BLOW $500 ON A PLASTIC HEADBAND. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT’S ONE SIZE FITS ALL, BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE
COMPANY, SMALL ELECTRODES AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO THE SIZE
OF YOUR HEAD, AND NO GLUE IS NEEDED. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, THAT’S DISTURBING. ( LAUGHTER )
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT GLUE MIGHT BE NEEDED. IT WOULDN’T BE COMFORTING IF AN
OLIVE GARDEN WAITER STARTED HIS SPIEL WITH, “OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT
IS PENNE WITH CLAM SAUCE, AND– YOU’LL BE EXCITED TO HEAR– NO
ANTIDOTE REQUIRED.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, OKAY.>>Stephen: SOME GLUE IS
NEEDED.>>Jon: GOING TO NEED A LITTLE
BIT.>>Stephen: AND IT’S NOT JUST
STARTUPS GETTING IN ON THE HIGH-TECH DEVICES. TOILET PAPER COMPANY CHARMIN IS
UNVEILING A NEW PRODUCT THEY CALL A POOPTIME ROBOT PAL. ( LAUGHTER )
NO OFFENSE, I’M SURE THE ROBOT’S GREAT, BUT POOPTIME IS THE ONE
TIME I DON’T WANT A PAL. ( LAUGHTER )
I TREASURE MY LONELINESS. ( LAUGHTER )
NO PALS. ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT DOES THIS PAL DO? APPARENTLY, IT’S SOLE JOB IS TO
BRING YOU A NEW TOILET PAPER ROLL WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST. THIS IS HUGE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT AN ADVANCEMENT! IT REPLACES PREVIOUS TOILET
PAPER ROLL REPLACEMENT TECHNOLOGY OF “HERE IT IS. CAN YOU GRAB IT? I’M JUST GOING TO THROW IT.” HERE, I’M GONNA THROW IT! ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ROLL,
SEGWAY IS ALSO GETTING INTO THE GAME, DEBUTING A NEW PRODUCT
CALLED THE S-POD, WHICH IS BILLED AS A SELF-BALANCING
STROLLER FOR ADULTS. FINALLY! I WANT IT! WHEEL ME AROUND, ROBOT MOMMY! THE S-POD IS PERFECT FOR ANYONE
WHO WATCHED “WALL-E” AND THOUGHT, “YES, THAT’S THE AMOUNT
— ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: — YES, THAT IS THE AMOUNT OF DIGNITY I DESERVE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS NON-BABY BABY STROLLER IS NOT MESSING AROUND, BECAUSE IT
CAN HIT SPEEDS OF 25 MILES PER HOUR. WHICH LEADS TO THE OBVIOUS
QUESTION: CAN THE CHARMIN POOP TOT —
( LAUGHTER ) — CAN THE POOP ROBOT KEEP UP
WITH IT? “HURRY UP, CHARMIN! I’M POOPIN’ IN MY S-POD! THE FUTURE IS AMAZING!”
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JANE FONDA.

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