News from an alternate universe: Climate Change
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News from an alternate universe: Climate Change


NARRATOR: Scientists have been warning us for years about our changing climate. SCIENTIST: Rising temperaturs, sea level change, iceburgs melting. But warnings are one thing. Social and political change is quite another. Has science managed to convince us? It turns out, the answer is yes. Yes big time. Overwhelming evidence, both at the chemical and atmospheric levels show that man-made CO2 is directly affecting climate conditions. And when we told politicians and the general public, they believed us immediately. Look, when I turned on my TV and saw some scientist spoutin’ off about how some kind of invisible gas is causing something called “global warming” I was like, thank you! This is exactly what we need scientists for. I don’t know how a TV works, but if a scientist came up to me and explained it to me, I wouldn’t shout, “Bull****! No one knows!” I would thank them. To be honest, we were a little worried that every time a blizzard hit, people would mistake weather for climate and think scientsts were trying to fool them. INTERVIEWER: Fool you into what? I don’t know. Like, paying us money or something? I seriously don’t know what possible motivation we could have. It turned out not to be a problem, because these people with no scientific training ended up listening to the overwhelming consensus of climate scientists. Weather is a single data point and climate is the aggregate of a lot of data points over a given period of time. You know, you should probably interview an actual climate scientist. SCIENTIST: We’ve spent literally our entire lives studying climate, and a lot of these people just found out about it a couple of months ago. NARRATOR: Of course, there are people who disagree with the scientists. My uncle doesn’t believe in climate change, but we just ignore him. I mean, he graduated high school back in 1941. Back then, doctors used to prescribe pregnant women cigarettes for their hangovers. NARRATOR: But would business interests fall in line? Deny climate change? I guess we could make some money in the short term, But you’d have to be a real piece of shit to do something like that. PRESIDENT: We put legislation in place immediately. I mean, scientists agree that climate change represents the greatest threat in the world to the American people. It’s like if cancer, and terrorism, and I don’t know, wildfires, all had a baby. I trust scientists because they do science and I got a waiver in college to take gym as a chemistry course. So, yes. I’m putting my faith, and the faith of the American people, into science. Can you imagine if we didn’t? That would just be so, so, so phenomenally stupid.

4 Comments

  • GEORGELET4

    hot, cold, wet, dry anywhere in the world – is evidence of "climate change" – meaning by human created CO2 of course.

  • Steven David Stoffers

    did you 'catch' The Moving Pendulum manuscript that came out what yesterday was it? accepted manuscript? look at Figure 2. and ponder this is about a natural phenomenon… the chart goes all the way back to 1950. that is a very big tell on why this is all so risky. very very few things are as significant to our….. food supply… than the ENSO is. yet we only have 60 years of data on it. FAR OUT MAN!!!!! LEMME HAVE ANOTHER TOKE OF THAT GRASS MAN!!!!

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