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Mayor Pete Eats His Way Through Iowa, While Hickenlooper Looks For The Exit


BUT THE RACE TO REPLACE TRUMP
KEEPS HEATING UP, AND I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT’S
“DOIN’ IT DONKEY STYLE.” “NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED.”>>Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE “D”
STYLE IS FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR JOHN HICKENLOOPER, SEEN
HICKENLOOPER HAS STRUGGLED TO GAIN TRACTION AND IS CONSIDERING
ENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID AND ENTERING THE RACE FOR COLORADO’S
REPUBLICAN-HELD SENATE SEAT. BRAVO! BRAVO! GOOD FOR YOU! I LIKE THAT. FINALLY, A MAN WILLING TO PUT
ASIDE HIS EGO AND DO WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY. THAT GUY SHOULD RUN FOR
PRESIDENT. AND THE NUMBERS BACK HIM UP. ON SUNDAY, “THE DENVER POST”
PUBLISHED A POLL SAYING HICKENLOOPER WOULD LEAD OTHER
DEMOCRATS IN THE COLORADO SENATE RACE BY 51 PERCENTAGE POINTS,
WHICH SHOCKED HICKENLOOPER. HE DID NOT KNOW POLL NUMBERS
COULD HAVE TWO DIGITS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE’S PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THIS. AND HE’S TAKING THE IDEA OF
DROPPING OUT SERIOUSLY. IN FACT, LAST WEEKEND,
HICKENLOOPER HOPPED INTO SENATOR MICHAEL BENNET’S CAR TO DISCUSS
HIS IMPENDING DECISION. BENNET LISTENED TO HICKENLOOPER
CAREFULFULLY, THEN THOUGHTFULLY REPLIED, “WHO ARE YOU?”
BUT OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES —
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE
STILL GOING STRONG, LIKE SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE
INSIDE FLAP– BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE
INSIDE FLAP OF A SELF-PUBLISHED POETRY BOOK, MAYOR PETE
BUTTIGIEG. MAYOR PETE WAS AT THE IOWA STATE
FAIR YESTERDAY, AND HE SHOWED THAT HE’S WILLING TO PUT HIS
BODY ON THE LINE TO BE PRESIDENT. HERE HE IS DIVING INTO SOME
FRIED OREOS.>>YOU WANT SOME? I MEAN, I’M NOT GOING TO EAT
ALL SIX.>>Stephen: WELL, THEN YOU’RE
NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT, PETE! “I’M NOT GOING TO EAT ALL SIX.” OH, SOMEONE’S TOO GOOD FOR
CARDIAC ARREST. DON’T YOU KNOW GORGING YOURSELF
IN PUBLIC IS HOW AMERICAN KNOWS YOU’RE THE RIGHT CHOICE. CHESTER A. ARTHUR GOT THE JOB BY
WINNING A PIE-EATING CONTEST. THEY DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER HOLDING
AN ELECTION! THEY JUST HOSED HIM OFF AND
INAUGURATED HIM. BUT, OF COURSE, IT WASN’T ALL
FRIED FUN AND GAMES, BECAUSE MAYOR PETE’S DAY TOOK A BIT OF A
DARKER TURN WHEN HE TALKED TO THIS VETERAN IOWA FAIR-GOER.>>I SHOOK ROBERT KENNEDY’S
HAND.>>ALL RIGHT, SO YOU’RE GOOD
LUCK?>>NO! IT WAS A MONTH BEFORE HE GOT
SHOT! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: (AS OLD WOMAN)
“I SHAKE EVERY CANDIDATE’S HAND TO SEE IF IT WAS JUST ME! THAT ANCIENT FORTUNE TELLER SAID
ALL I TOUCH WOULD WITHER TO DUST. YOU ARE DOOMED! YOU GOING TO FINISH THOSE
FRIED OREOS?” ( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S ALSO NEWS ABOUT VERMONT SENATOR AND SENTIENT DRYER LINT,
BERNIE SANDERS. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR YEARS, THE BERN HAS BEEN CRITICAL OF CORPORATE AMERICA,
ESPECIALLY AMAZON C.E.O. AND SUPER-COOL PENIS, JEFF BEZOS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).>>Jon: WHOA!>>Stephen: HEY, LADIES. LOOK, BUT DON’T TOUCH. AT A RECENT EVENT IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, BERNIE WENT AFTER BEZOS AGAIN.>>YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOK AT “THE
WASHINGTON POST”– WHICH IS OWNED BY THE WEALTHIEST GUY IN
THIS COUNTRY, A GUY NAMED JEFF BEZOS– AMAZON MADE $10 BILLION
IN PROFIT LAST YEAR. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY PAID IN
TAXES? YOU GOT IT! ZERO! ANY WONDER WHY “THE WASHINGTON
POST” IS NOT ONE OF MY GREAT SUPPORTERS? I WONDER WHY.>>Stephen: WAIT. HE’S STEALING TRUMP’S THING. (AS BERNIE)
“YES, THE JEFF BEZOS “THE WASHINGTON POST” IS– AND I
THINK I AM COINING THIS PHRASE– FAKE NEWS! SAD! IT’S A WITCH HUNT! A WITCH… HUNT! GOD BLESS THE UNITED STUSH.” NOW, BERNIE WENT ON–
( APPLAUSE ) BERNIE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY
HE’S WORRIED ABOUT CORPORATE MEDIA, SAYING “LARGE
CORPORATIONS OWN THE MEDIA IN AMERICA, BY AND LARGE, AND I
THINK THERE IS A FRAMEWORK, ABOUT HOW THE CORPORATE MEDIA
FOCUSES ON POLITICS.” OKAY, BERNIE, THAT’S RIDICULOUS. I, STEPHEN COLBERT, WORK FOR A
MAJOR CORPORATE MEDIA. BUT I’M FREE FROM CORPORATE
INFLUENCE AND CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT. WHICH REMINDS ME: ALL HAIL THE
GLORIOUS MERGER OF VIACOM AND CBS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAY IT FOREVER BOLSTER OUR PREMIUM CONTENT PORTFOLIO AND
POSITION US TO SPAN ALL CONTENT CATEGORIES AND DEMOGRAPHICS,
CREATING ETERNAL VALUE FOR SHAREHOLDERS! VIACOM-CBS: STRONGER TOGETHER! WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

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