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Jim Jefferies Doesn’t Understand Americans


>>THIS IS EXCITING. THE SHOW IS A LOT DIFFERENT FROM LAST NIGHT.>>Jimmy: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.>>YOU DIDN’T PICK ON 98-YEAR-OLD WOMEN AS MUCH. VERY GOOD, YOU SHOULD HAVE HER ON THE SHOW MORE OFTEN. PROBABLY IN THE NEXT YEAR OR SO. DON’T LEAVE IT TOO LONG. ALSO, YOU HAVE CHANGED THE DRESSING ROOM USED TO HAVE CUPCAKES. SINCE YOU HAVE GOTTEN THIN, IT’S HUMMUS AND VEGETABLES. GET FAT AGAIN. GIVE ME CUPCAKES.>>Jimmy: WE DO HAVE CUPCAKES. WE DO HAVE CUPCAKE TODAY.>>PROBABLY KATHY GRIFFIN ANY MOTHER TOOK THEM.>>Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING?>>I’M ALL RIGHT. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY NOD.>>Jimmy: THANK YOU.>>I WAS IN THE SAME CATEGORY.>>Jimmy: YEAH.>>I WAS IN THE SAME CATEGORY. DIDN’T GET IN. DID YOU VOTE FOR YOURSELF?>>Jimmy: OF COURSE.>>I DIDN’T VOTE FOR MYSELF. MAYBE IT WAS ONE VOTE. MAYBE THAT’S HOW CLOSE I WAS.>>Jimmy: YOU ARE, THE SHOW IS GOING WELL. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN ON THE AIR NOW?>>IN SEASON TWO. UP TO EPISODE 34 OR SOMETHING. WHAT EPISODE ARE YOU UP TO?>>Jimmy: IN THE LATE 1,000s.>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE UNITED STATES?>>I HAVE BEEN IN AMERICA NOW NINE YEARS. I AM STILL GETTING ADJUSTED.>>Jimmy: ARE YOU REALLY? DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE ACCLIMATED?>>LOOK, LOOK ALWAYS GOING TO LIVE IN AMERICA, I HAVE AN AMERICAN CHILD. THERE ARE THINGS I WILL NEVER TAKE ON. THINGS I DON’T KNOW. I AM STILL NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS A NICKEL AND WHICH ONE IS A DIME. RIGHT? LIKE I, I DON’T KNOW WHAT, HOW, HOW MUCH THEY’RE WORTH EACH. I DON’T KNOW WHICH COIN IS WHICH. AND I LOOK, I DON’T WANT TO ACT LIKE A RICH [ BLEEP ]. I GO JUST KEEP THEM AT THE GAS STATION. KEEP THEM. I DON’T KNOW WHICH IT IS. IT’S GOTTEN SO LONG NOW THAT I CAN’T ASK ANYONE. IT’S LIKE, LIKE, YOU PROBABLY GOT EMPLOYEES YOU DON’T KNOW THE NAME OF. HEY, FELLOW. YOU’VE BEEN WORKING FOR THE GUY FOR FIVE YEARS. I CAN’T ASK NOW. IT’S TOO LATE. BUT I KNOW, I KNOW WHAT THE LITTLE TINY BROWN COIN ITS.>>Jimmy: A PENNY.>>A PENNY. THAT’S ONE. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AMERICANS, PENNY, DIME, THE OTHER ONE?>>Jimmy: NICK M.>>JUST CALL THEM, ONE, 1, 4, 7, WHATEVER THEY ARE. I KNOW THE QUARTER. BECAUSE THEY CAME IN USEFUL WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE. DAVE AND BUSTERS STILL TOOK A QUARTER.>>Jimmy: YOU SPENT TIME AT DAVE AND BUSTERS.>>I LOVE DAVE AND BUSTERS.>>Jimmy: DID NOT KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU?>>WHY WOULD YOU?>>Jimmy: THERE IS A NUMBER ON THE COINS. LIKE THERE IS A 5 ON THE NICKEL.>>YOU CAN READ IT.>>Jimmy: INDICATES 5 CENTS.>>WHAT’S THE USE OF THOSE THINGS. DOLLAR BILL. JUST.>>Jimmy: FEEL LIKE IT IS A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PROTEST AGAINST UNITED STATES.>>AMERICA HAS EVERYTHING. PEOPLE DON’T USE THE METRIC SYSTEM.>>Jimmy: WE DON’T.>>WHICH IS STUPID. LIKE YOU SHOULD WORK IN CELSIUS. FREEZING POINT IS 0. BOILING POINT IS 100. MAKES SENSE.>>Jimmy: IT DOES MAKE SENSE.>>YOUR NUMBER ITS FREEZES AT 27.6. I DON’T KNOW. RIGHT. IT IS RIDICULOUS. WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING. THE PUTTING THE MONTH FIRST. THE MONTH, THE DAY, AND THEN THE YEAR. SHOULDN’T DO THAT. SHOULD BE THE DAY FIRST. THEN, SHOULD BE THE SMALLEST AMOUNT. THE MEDIUM AMOUNT. AND THEN THE LARGEST AMOUNT. BECAUSE THE THE DAY ITS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. WHEN SOME ONE ASKS YOU THE DATE. YOU DON’T GO, JULY — >>Jimmy: RIGHT.>>RIGHT? RIGHT. YOU SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT BIT FIRST. RIGHT, SO TODAY IS THE 12th. I DON’T BOTHER DOING IT. I STILL STICK TO ME GUNS. I THOUGHT I WAS COMING HERE IN DECEMBER. I’M SURE. I’M SURE I HAVE RUINED MANY CONTRACTS IN MY CAREER. PROBABLY LOST THEM.>>Jimmy: WHEN YOU DO THE IMMIGRATION FORMS GOING IN. I ALWAYS GET CONFUSED. YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS TOO. YOU CAN REALLY HELP US HERE. WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE YOU WERE A COMEDIAN?>>I DON’T HAVE ANY OTHER SKILLS REALLY. SO, THE COMEDY THING IS OVER, I SAW MY LITTLE FRIEND FOR A WHILE. WHEN I WAS A KID MY PARENTS WERE VERY INTO, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A JOB AS A CHILD. IN AUSTRALIA, McDONALD’S CAN EMPLOY YOU AT 14.>>Jimmy: 16 HERE.>>I WAS WORKING WITH VATS OF OIL. 14. AUSTRALIA DOESN’T GIVE A [ BLEEP ]. THEY JUST, THEY JUST, RIGHT. AND SO, I WORKED THERE FROM 14 UNTIL ALMOST 18. WHICH WOULD BE 17. AND, AND A WHATEVER IT WAS. I LEARNED VERY QUICKLY THAT IF YOU JUST DON’T TRY VERY HARD, NO ONE WILL PROMOTE YOU. IT’S NOT LIKE McDONALD’S WOULD GIVE YOU MORE MONEY IF YOU DID WELL. YOU GET MORE RESPONSIBILITIES. SO THEY START YOU OFF ON THE FILET OF FISH STATION. I NAILED IT. NO ONE CAN MAKE FILET OF FISH BETTER THAN ME. I WOULD STAY IN THE LITTLE SECTION. EVERY NOW AND AGAIN THEY WOULD GO, JIM, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A GO AT THE BIG MACS, CAN I SWEAR. WHAT I DO IS I [ BLEEP ] UP. THEY WOULD NEVER LET ME DO A BIG MAC AGAIN. THEY WOULD BE MOVE HIM BACK TO FILET OF FISH. NOW MY WHOLE WORLD CAME CRUMBLING DOWN WHEN THEY INTRODUCED THE CHICKEN McNUGGET. THAT BECAME THE SAME STATION AS FILET OF FISH. IT QUADRUPLED MY WORK.>>Jimmy: WOW. YEAH.>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: YEAH. YEAH.>>THEY’RE VERY POPULAR. I HEAR THEY STILL ARE AND THEY USE CHICKEN NOW. [ APPLAUSE ] BUT I ALWAYS LIKE THE VATS. BECAUSE THE IT WAS AN ARCANE SYSTEM. GIRLS ONLY ALLOWED TO WORK THE COUNTERS. THE BOYS WORKED IN THE KITCHEN. JOY REALLY?>>IF YOU WORK AT THE COUNTER AT McDONALD’S YOU HAVE TO DO THE FRIES. GIRLS HAD TO DO THE FRIES. I WAS ALWAYS NEXT TO THE OTHER 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. MAKING ME FILET OF FISH. I MADE THAT ONE SPECIAL. I DIDN’T GET ANYTHING. BUT A LOT OF DREAMS. ANYWAY. SO, THE FRIES AT McDONALD’S, A SENSE, MAKE THE GOLDEN ARCHES DO IT PROPERLY. YOU HAVE TO GO THAT. SO THERE IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SALT OR ASBESTOS OR WHATEVER THEY PUT IN THE THING. THAT’S PROBABLY WHY THE BURGER KINGS ONE ARE SO BAD. BECAUSE THE — THE WENDY’S ONE. CHUCKING IT IN THE AIR. SO, I DIDN’T, I GOT FIRED.>>Jimmy: YOU DID?>>THE BOSS WHO I USED TO THINK WAS LIKE, LIKE AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN. HE WAS PROBABLY 27. HE WANTED TO FIRE ME THE WHOLE TIME.>>Jimmy: WHY DID HE FIRE YOU?>>I STOLE A NUGGET. I, I, HAD A NUGGET IN ME MOUTH. HE GOES, WHAT’S IN YOUR MOUTH. I’VE WENT, NOTHING, NOT A NUGGET. HE GOES, I’VE GOT YOU. I’VE CAUGHT YOU, YOU ARE FIRED. I GRABBED A HAND FULL OF NUGGETS IN MY MOUTH, FEW MORE IN MY POCKETS. GAVE HIM THE FINGER AND GOT OUT OF THERE.>>Jimmy: LOAD UP ON NUGGETS. GET THE HELL OUT.>>THE McDONALD’S IS STILL THERE. GO TO VIZ MVISIT MY PARENTS. HE IS A PICKY EATER, [ BLEEP ], PICKY EATER. THEY’RE THE WORST. PARENTS FRY TO ACT LIKE, IT’S THE CHILD THAT’S THE PICKY EATER. AND IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT. LIKE MY CHILD IS SUCH A PICKY. IF, YOU ARE A PARENT AND-UP HAVE A CHILD THAT IS A PICKY EATER IT IS COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT. RIGHT. IT’S COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT. I HAVE BEEN TO ASIA, SEEN LIKE A KID EATING A CHICKEN’S ED LIKE AN APPLE. RIGHT? I’VE SEEN THAT IN AN ALLEY WAY. AND THE MOTHER IS NOT LIKE, OH, HE ONLY EELATS CHICKEN HEADS. THAT’S HAUL HE WANTS. HE WON’T TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE. HE IS STRICTLY, CHICKEN HEADS AND MAC AND CHEESE. ANYWAY, SO I HAD TO GO BACK TO McDONALD’S, MY KID LIKED CHICKEN NUGGETS. MY KID’S FAVORITE CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE CHICK-FIL-A. NOW YOU KNOW WE LIVE IN L.A. YOU, KNOW HOW IT IS. YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SORT OF EAT AT CHICK-FIL-A. A THING, BECAUSE THEY GIVE A LOT OF MONEY TO ANTI-GAY GROUPS, TRY TO STOP GAY MARRIAGE, PRAY THE GAY AWAY CAMPS KIND OF STUFF. MY KID’S FAVORITE CHICKEN. SO, SO I EAT CHICK-FIL-A AS WELL. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, JEEZ IT IS GOOD CHICKEN. I KNOW. I KNOW. I WANT TO SUPPORT THE GAYS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. BUT UNTIL THEY CAN MAKE A COMPARATIVE CHICKEN. SO, ANYWAY.>>Jimmy: LISTEN, A CHALLENGE. HOPEFULLY THEY WILL ACCEPT IT.>>PUT IT OUT THERE.>>Jimmy: YOU ARE FUNNY. THE NETFLIX SPECIAL, BY THE WAY, COMES OUT RIGHT NOW. JUST RELEASED ON NETF LICHLT.

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