Jake Paul faces two and a half million dollar lawsuit. (Look at them shades though)
Fortnite YouTuber faces prison. (it’s not Ninja)
Fortnite University opens up (OwO) and
Christine Chandler is doing what? (naughty stuff that won’t get you monetized)
I’m Gloria Borger (g-l-aw-r-ee-uh BÔR-jir) and this is Poo Noos
(Pew News)
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
(Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew)
[Intro music and pictures from a future Dolan Dark meme, plus other relevent youtubers so 12 year olds actually watch]
Good evening,
I’m Gloria Borger.
You’re watching Poo Noos.
(Pew News)
Our sponsor is
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It’s the best.
Listen now.
This is pure soy in this.
If you’re a man that wants to lactate through your nipples (Every man’s dream),
I can highly recommend
This is all I eat and drink at all times (24/7 grind)
I’m trying to get an IV attached to my body so that I can just be fed
Soylent all the time.
Don’t take it from me.
Take it from one of our many happy customers.
I’m specifically told to get paid to hold up the… the Soy to my face and make this face.
(You’re giving the bros meme templates. Bros fire away!)
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I think you guys can enjoy some soy. (low-key flex)
It rhymes.
Next news!
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
(Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew)
👏 Next 👏 Meme
(meme review in disguise)
YouTuber Fortnite streamer is facing jail time
Whyyy? haheh-hahehh..*gasp*
What is it with Fortnite that just draws out the crazies? Am I right? The locos.
That moment of playing with Drake
Made it… it pffff.
Everyone is just like: “Oh, okay. I can, I can, like, tweet about this
I can, like, tell everyone that hey it is cool [to be] the gamer (epic gamer moment) (plus highlight compilations)
I can, I play video games too.”
Our team here at Pew News have worked hard to
uncover the story… Uuuh… (reliable news source indeed)
It says: “YouTuber faces prison after feeding homeless man Oreos filled with toothpaste.” (madlad)
We uncovered this information with our news team by reading this headline
Oreo pranks, that’s… that’s some really great stuff. (family friendly as well)
“It’s delicious.”
“Let’s go here, fam”
“Free taste. Have a bite, please>.”Yes, that’s Oreo.”
*Eats in Filipino*
“It tastes like biscuit!”
*Laughs in Filipino*
“Is it good? owo”
“Wow! Colgate?”
*Laughs in Peenoise*
“What is this? It’s freaking Colga–“
Apparently he also handed the homeless person a 20 Euro bill (moral compensation, I see)
A literal saint. How can you be so giving?
Mister Kang Kwa, says
Maybe I’ve gone a bit far, but, look at the positive side, this will help him clean his teeth. (Hmm…)
I think he hasn’t cleaned them since he became poor. (An educated guess)
*drinks soylent like a reach(rich) guy*
YouTube is a wonderful platform for all kinds of creators, and I’m just so thankful that I am a YouTuber
Especially in moments like these.
“ReSet, who is currently on bail awaiting judgment faces a charge of crime against moral integrity…
..Prosecutors are seeking a sentences of two years in prison…
…As well as 30,000 euro [in compensation].” (noice)
(👏Meme 👏Review)
Two years.
Hey, man, what are you in here for? I love these. Oh man. That seems about right.
I think that, that serves him well, he… he can spend those two years thinking about what he did
Now, to be fair, I mean, that’s a pretty horrible thing to do.
I eeehhh… Whether it was a prank or not, can… can we just stop making pranks on YouTube
the– they’ve never been funny.
I never understand the appeal
And I’m over here trying to do serious work that gets people take less seriously pew news
Because we’re on YouTube and not mainstream media. We’re real we’re literally pulling the same numbers. Sorry guys
I’m not supposed to give my own opinion here on pew news, but I’m Gloria Borger
And I feel like I have to say that I am NOT taken seriously
Not just because I’m a wham and but because I’m on YouTube and because of these scumbags
Are ruining YouTube so send them to jail thank you
Have you guys heard about this? A.S.S is coming out on every single
Console ever. In May!
This is going to be the event of the year if you don’t play A.S.S, then please get off my ass
Next! News!
A university is giving scholarships to top Fortnite players!
Just when I thought Fort Nite couldn’t get any worse.
Ashland University in Ohio why is all the worst things coming from that state?
admission in the schools undergraduate program with room and board goes for…
Thirty one thousand?!?
Wait, so the four thousand dollar scholarship offers a nice incentive
so instead of paying thirty one thousand you get to pay
*(twenty seven thousand)* Wow! What a great deal
(now we’re interrupting our sequence for important commercials from our sponsors)
Wait a minute… I get to be twenty seven thousand dollars in debt..
instead of thirty one thousand dollars? Thanks to Fortnite?!
Wow. The American school system sure seems great. Is it times like these that I’m glad that I have got
Sponsors helping me out because I know these are controversial topics
That YouTube’s ad revenue program isn’t going to… allow
so at least I get the revenue from my many many sponsors that I have. I have a lot of sponsors
Supporting Pew News we are funded independently (brad gets no money)
It’s a good time. It’s a good time. Thank you very much. We had some pretty serious news so far
it would be nice to have something more positive for a change is there any
positive news? (no)
Next news come from Christine Chandler. Remember we did a video on the Christian Chandler
Christian Chandler now goes by the name Christine Chandler and
Tweeting out everyone pull yourself together if y’all want to see another house tour video
$200 to Christine’s PayPal. y’all get house tour inside and outside
So basically if you want to see inside
Christine’s house you can pay $200 and you get a full tour. That’s pretty nice
That’s pretty.. That sounds like a win-win to me. Who wouldn’t want to go inside that…
… hellhole.
Christine also tweeted anyone living locally to me in Virginia or visiting in Charlottesville
I’ll give y’all BJ’s for money too. Serious.
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
Youtuber Jake Paul sued for 2.5 million dollars, Oh, No (oh yeeees)
Whai– why?.. After being accused of trashing, California rental report says?
According to the suit Paul and the other cost extensive damage at the property
I don’t know if there’s been any evidence of that okay
It’s clearly never been any proof of Jake Paul
Trashing property there were such extensive damage throughout the subject property (geddit cus there is)
Defendants took it upon themselves to make repairs and install a new floor among other things
That sounds about right it can’t be easy being appalled
the property described as multimillion-dollar single-family home
initially fetched a monthly rent of
17,000… gee-eesh man…
flexing is expensive
so apparently they they upped the security deposit to 40,000 instead of kicking them out
And then now that the lawsuit came into place afterwards
So I don’t know if they had. It sounds like a really bad thing you get sued for 2.5 million dollars
But if they in fact didn’t just kick them out when they see the videos coming out daily
It seems like an opportunistic kind of thing to do. I mean, that’s what lawsuits are technically, but then again
I don’t know if they’ll really have them. I’m not a lawyer
I’m just Gloria Borger. A news anchor trying to do my best to deliver the news
But it seems to me.. that..
You won’t have that much of a case if you didn’t throw them out immediately and then pull a lawsuit
rather than just increasing their deposit.. and..
Instead of throwing them out immediately. However, I don’t know all the facts. I’m just Gloria Borger
Last news everybody.
YouTube testing new upload flow with select creators to prevent flip-flopping monetization decisions
This is so fantastic because I’ve really been struggling with this too the past couple months
And you know all my views are going up, but my ad revenue is going down.
And I’m just like why is this happening? Why is my ad revenue is so flip-flopping
so now that they’re testing new it’s new thing
I’m so glad that I’m one of the select creators to test this new thing to prevent the flip-flopping
I’m not… I’m not one of the select creators..
But thank God we have soy to sponsor this video so that I can make a revenue
in earnest living anyway while still delivering the news in an unbiased fashion manner
(sipping soy like a rich dude he is)
I saw this. Basically what they’re trying to do is.. Uhh oh let instead of letting the algorithm, say..
“Oh your video is flagged for this this this this”, it’s up to our creators
They’re testing this new program. Where we can select ourselves. Okay? “Does this video have profanity?” Yes
Does this video have blah blah blah
Yes, and then that way we can get a fair amount of ads based on ourself
And there’s a certain level of trust involved in that process obviously
I’m not sure how it would look like but it damn sounds a lot better than what is going on
I think the whole fact that you have to shape your content so much into th- this package of family friendliness
Just to get somewhat decent ads it’s just insane and that will just cost more damage to the platform than good and
And uhhh.. So I’m glad they’re trying out new things.
I’m glad. They’re they’re testing out to see what is working and what isn’t but to me?
Personally the ad revenue format, right now, despite making 10-minute content, despite having mid rolls is so inefficient
That literally I’m making more money selling these goddamn hats
‘scuse me guys
I’m really appreciative of all, everyone that bought a hat so far or buy the merch
the cyka {“blyaaaaat”}
If you’re real cyka check out link in the description if we- if we sell 10,000 these
Literally smeminem where himself will come out and join a news report
Um next week you get a cool merch. I get actual revenue for once yay
Thank you guys so much for watching another episode of pew news (no please we want more)
I am Gloria Borger this has been my time, and I’ll see you guys next week. Good night
(it’s the middle of the day felix)
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