“It Makes No Sense!” – Trevor Noah – (African American)

I just got back from Atlanta
it was a 107 degrees Fahrenheit
The hottest weather
the worst thing is everybody comes up to me and they
go well you must be used to this being from Africa
and I’m like
No I am not
I am from Africa but that shit is hot
That was just
I was scared to go jogging because I thought
if I ran out into the street and fainted
wouldn’t the local news love that
Id be running and fall down in the heat
they would have they’re vans reporting live
they would be
standing there going
It is so hot in Atlanta
even Africans are fainting
so I am enjoying this
really happy to be here
this is going to be good for us I hope
I say I hope because I never
know with standup comedy
It’s an awkward experience
I find I am always nervous
I find comedy is very similar to sex for me
Well it’s exactly like sex if you think about it
Me the comedian playing the role of the man
and you the audience, the roll of the woman
because it’s my job to satisfy you
and you just have to sit there
and then just like sex my success or
failure will somehow be determined
by how much noise you make
during my performance
which makes it a
one-sided affair I think
Yea I don’t know
maybe you’re the quite type
I hope we have magic tonight
I hope we create something wonderful
for many of us it is our first time
and that means it might be awkward
I understand this
and if that’s the case I want you
to know I will look into your eyes
I will see that I am freaking
you out and I will stop
I will stop and flip you back over and
we will go back to the simpler stuff
I’ve been in America for a few months now
and I am really just thrown by the place
its not what I expected at all
different from the brochures and the pamphlets
There’s many assumptions I had
about America before I came here
and I have come to learn that those are wrong
for one, I just assumed
people speak English here
its far from it
its not so much the language
as the pronunciation of words
that throws me off. It’s what
Americans have done with the language
you guys have just, wow.
You’ve done something
you put 22’s on the English language.
you just have rims that say pimp my language
that’s what you’ve gone
with, you know
I was chatting to this woman
down town the other day
She came up to me and she
wanted me to see something
I don’t know what though, she was like
O my God, look over Thur
I said look over what?
She’s like
Over Thur
Look that her
and I said her?
She’s like
No Her hair
wait a minute
There’s two of them?
I understand nothing
even the small words
just the pronunciation
The small things that get you by
for instance I pronounce
the opposite of Uncle
as Aunt
I say my Aunt
Out here you say
my Ant
which to me
is an insect
which made me look like an ass
when my friend told
me his Ant died
I was like so what
There’s tons of those out there
a great way to end the friendship
I couldn’t get help the other day when
searching for a battery for my remote control
because that’s what I say
a battery, a small form of power
In America you say Baderee
which to me is a
different form of power
sponsored by Chris Brown
and you know what I don’t understand
We live on different sides of the globe
so it’s fine
The language we will evolve
this is something I have come to understand but I
hope I change one thing in your hearts forever
just one thing and that is
that animal in the wild
that looks like a horse
it has black and white stripes
please from now on
it’s not Zeebra okay
It’s Zebra
just like it’s not
Deebra, it’s Debra
same structure of word
plus you can not name them
because you do not have them
It’s madness,
everything out here is different
do you know how hard it is to
learn when you come out here?
you have to change everything,
there’s the measurement system
which is just, I mean America, you guys
you have your
own thing the imperial system
on my side of the world
we use the metric system
and by my side I mean
the rest of the world
where the metric system which is
amongst other things very deficient
it’s a very simple proses
everything goes into each other
and out here you have imperial
which is fine I won’t judge you
if you want to be imaginary
it’s up to you
but I just feel there’s some
consistency that’s needed
small things
for instance
when we abbreviate our small
measurements milligrams
we use mg
mg milligrams
you guys have ounces
ounces that you then abbreviate
there’s no z
in the word ounces
I don’t know
that’s pale in comparison
to what you did with pounds
that for me
please explain to me
how the abbreviation
for pounds became lbs
lb pounds
I look like the idiot
walking into a store going
could I please have the
2 lbs bag of sugar
he said you mean pounds?
I said I don’t see the P
No I don’t
oh well it means pounds
lbs a lot of bullshit is what it stands for
It’s horrible
in fact it’s crazy
you do realize the imperial
system is so inefficient
that even American drug dealers
have switched over to metric
even drug dealers got to
the point where they said
we need some order
we’re going with metric
and I honestly thought
this was an anomaly
I thought you know what this is just one
of those things that’s a coincidence
but it’s not, the Americans do not care about
abbreviations nor the English language
they just don’t give a damn
I learned this in the small things
like when I was in Tennessee
I stumbled on a organization
known as the Ku Klux Klan
you heard of them?
worst magic show ever
guy gave me a pamphlet saying
come meet the grand wizard
Grand wizard
the grand wizard
didn’t do one trick
not one trick
I mean I noticed a few black people
disappear but I mean that’s not magic
no that’s just Reaganomics
I wasn’t impressed by that
like where’s the magic
I sat there forever
these guys running
around in they’re sheets
Hee Haa!
the KKK as they are affectionately known
has nobody bothered to tell them ever
that you do not spell clan with a K
Nobody stopped, even in America
clan is spelled with a C
the Ku Klux clan they
are the KKC not the KKK
you realize that?
Klu kluks Clan
a C
In fact the name is wrong
the whole thing the Ku Klux
part of it it’s just horrible
because they got that as
you know from ancient Greece
it was Klu Klux Alvion
meaning a circle of brothers
and that’s how they got they’re name. They
call them self a Greek circle of brothers
which is wrong for two reasons
if the sole purpose as an
organization is to hate black people
don’t you find it strange that
you have now named yourself
the circle of
and secondly
do they realize that in ancient
Greek circles of brothers
where doing very different things
with one another
very loving
very, you know, yea
if they were really a Greek circle
the sheets would be a bit higher up
just more of a
there would be one more hole.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *