Articles

Breaking Jennifer Lopez News (feat. Matt Walsh) – Lights Out with David Spade


A Bob Dylan musical
is coming to Broadway.
Finally a musical where, uh,
men drag their girlfriends to.
-Um…
-(laughter)
it’s gonna be like Cats if Cats
was sung by an actual cat.
(laughter)
(yowls)
He’s got, uh,
he doesn’t sing particularly…
Um, multiple theater chains
are banning costumes
at screenings
of the new Joker movie.
Batman’s like, “Unbelievable.
-(laughter)
-“You know what,
“first I have to buy a ticket–
I do not get comped.
“Now you’re telling me
“I got to go back
to the Batmobile and change?
“I’m only going here
because I’m a good guy,
“I’m supporting him,
and I’m the one getting shit on
by everyone,
and he’s the big star.”
Very, uh…
-He’s bitter.
-He’s bitter about it.
-I liked it.
-Yeah, yeah, I liked it, too.
Uh, that wasn’t an apology.
I liked it. That’s a good one.
Um, after all the snitching he’s
done in the past three weeks,
Tekashi 6ix9ine says
he won’t go into
the Witness Protection Program.
But just to be safe,
he’s gonna stop using
his real name in Starbucks.
-(laughter)
-I think that’s smart.
Two celebrities were revealed
on The Masked Singer last night.
And there’s actually two steps
in the reveal.
First they take off the mask,
-and then everyone googles it.
-(laughter)
It’s a two-stepper.
McDonald’s will start selling
meatless Beyond burgers.
Unfortunately, the first batch
was stolen by the Yamburglar!
(laughter)
It’s worth it for a veggie joke.
-Completely worth it.
-I worked it, right?
-Yeah.
-Took a little bit of a windup.
A man in England was accused
of shoplifting,
but it turned out
the bulge in his pants
was his ten-inch wiener.
(groans, laughter)
The accused was like,
“Call all the press outlets
“and report the story.
“Uh, do not leave the part out
about my ten-inch penis.
“And then put my e-mail in there
and then tag me…
-and the DMs are now open.”
-(laughter)
Sony Pictures
is producing a miniseries
about Jeffrey Epstein.
The writer says he’s excited
for this once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity
-to be secretly murdered.
-(laughter, groans)
Tim likes that one.
Uh, the working title
on the Epstein series
is Sabrina
the Teenage Sex Slave.
-(laughter) -All right,
I better get over here, guys.
-♪ ♪
-(cheering)
-Those were both for you.
-Yeah.
-(cheering continues)
-Oh…
I like the Yamburglar.
-The Yamburglar wasn’t bad.
-Yeah, it was good.
That’s a fun one.
Uh, breaking news, guys.
This is just in. We’re
always breaking stories here.
Uh, J.Lo– we haven’t talked
about J.Lo since… yesterday.
Um, she’s headlining the next
Super Bowl halftime show.
Is this good or bad
or a shoulder-shrugger?
I think it’s good.
It’s just that at halftime,
all the players
are gonna have to use their
helmets to cover their boners.
(laughter)
I mean, with all due respect,
isn’t she, like, 65 years old?
(laughter)
I mean, she’s…
on a halftime show,
she’s more than halfway
through her life. Like…
(laughter, groans)
It’s the reality.
It’s what it is.
It’s all about
where they put A-Rod.
If they keep A-Rod off camera,
it can be a success.
Uh, yeah, I don’t know if
I can take him clapping along.
Yeah, I don’t want
to see him on stage.
I don’t want to see
any choreography for…
-choreography for him. -I don’t
want to see him Instagramming.
-No, I don’t want to see
anything. -But, you know what?
She might be good.
I love Lip Sync Battle,
so this-this might be,
like, a whole half…
halftime Lip Sync Battle.
I snuck that one in there.
Um, anyway, moving on.
That was just
sort of breaking news.
-WALSH: Thank you for that.
-Snoop Dogg–
this is real news, hard news.
Um, Snoop Dogg threw
a full-on rager
to celebrate his 30-year
high school reunion.
In Dogg years, that is his 210th
high school reu… So dumb.
Why do we even say that?
Uh, wait a second.
Oh, by the way, I remember
my combo of my locker
when I was in high school:
34, 10, 6.
Don’t steal anything from it.
Seventh grade, 20, 22, 32.
Uh, other than that–
that’s not the interesting part.
Uh, what do you think
of this story?
I just want to know
if there’s one guy
in that class
he wants to avoid.
Like, he’s the biggest star.
He’s paying for the whole thing.
But is there one dufus, like,
“Please don’t talk to me.
Please don’t talk to me.”
Well, I-I went
to my ten year, and, uh,
it was, like, four years ago.
And what happened
was I did this stupid thing
where I put Ben Affleck
for my sticker, for real.
Because I thought
it was hysterical.
And then the first
little burnout I saw
that used to sell me weed,
he’s all wasted and he goes,
“You think you’re so (bleep)
great now?”
Quietly peel off.
(laughter and applause)
And, uh…
-Reunions are littered
with those moments. -It’s hard.
-It’s hard. -And I go,
“What am I doing back here?
‘Cause I was 50-50 hated,
and the 50 that liked me,
90% secretly hated me, too.
So, but, you know,
some are pulling
for you at home and some aren’t.
There was a guy who was, like,
class clown sort of,
and he was pushed on stage
to say something funny.
So he told a street joke, which
was sort of offensive to women,
so it was already not great,
and then he started…
He said, “It’s fun to laugh
and have fun
but don’t forget Jesus Christ
will always be there for you.”
At the class reunion.
-That wasn’t you, was it?
-No.
You are a class clown.
-But it felt like a gun was
gonna be pulled.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *